Forgotten. Impatient. Entitled. Feeling like my time is being wasted at a job that is not ministry. Wanting to eat not just one brownie but also the whole row! I want to masturbate to medicate the pain and lack of control in my life. All of this and more I confess regularly to Christ and brothers in my Conquer Series group.
I want all these things more than a life dedicated to the disciplined path of following Jesus. How vile and idolatrous! You would think after the past four years of prison, treatment, and reentry I would trust God more than my own fleshly desires, but no, the battle continues. If I were God I wouldn’t bother with me.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? (Romans 7:24)
Thank you, Lord for your grace. My desires are not pure and I need your grace badly. Turning my back on sin is not simple, as it requires repentance.
Admitting to moral failure and selfishness is painful; like admitting these things will cause my death kind of pain. I remember at one point of confession I literally wanted to rip out my veins and crawl out of my skin. It’s no wonder we want to hide sin away in secret when confronting our sin can be traumatic.
It can and will drive a person into deep shame and suicide. But there is hope!
Aren’t Christians supposed to be impervious to depression and sinful thoughts? By no means! As I read from a list of theological giants I see each one of them talks about their own battle with “concupiscence” which is a very old word for “strong sexual desire.” We are not alone. Don’t listen to Churchianity that says we need to get our act together before going to church, rather lets understand that the same people who put the liturgy together and wrote the hymns are vile sinners who have humbly admitted their sin and have pressed on in life surrendering daily to Christ.
I am not alone.
You are not alone!
There is hope when we repent and press into a community of faith. If you struggle with “concupiscence” why not join the Sexual Integrity 101 online group with Break Free and find a home where you are safe to repent and start a whole new direction in life!